Oath of Allegiance

"Hail to the Thief"

The nation's politicians and editorialists and television pundits have had a lot to say lately about the need for all Americans to unite around George W. Bush, whom five members of the Supreme Court recently appointed to the presidency.

I have decided, even though I voted for Mr. Gore, the man who got more votes than any of the other candidates, that I will honor this loud call for unity.

Accordingly, I will give Mr. Bush the same respect and support that his party gave President Clinton these past eight years.

I will not let a single day pass without badmouthing President Bush to everyone in my presence.

I will work in every possible way, no matter how small-minded or petty, to undermine his every effort, no matter how sensible or worthy or necessary it might be.

I will make common cause with any enemies of the United States, foreign or domestic, who are willing to criticize President Bush.

I will never let pass an opportunity to accuse President Bush of the worst crimes known to humanity, even treason and murder.

I will believe, and eagerly repeat, every scurrilous rumor about President Bush, no matter how ridiculous and patently false it might be.

I will ridicule, defame, and slander President Bush's mother, wife, and children at every opportunity.

And, lastly, I will give my support to every effort to humiliate President Bush and destroy his good name, to drive him from office and pursue him until the end of his life, to leave him bankrupt and hated and utterly destroyed.

After all, fairness is a virtue, and it is only fair that President Bush and his party receive what they have been so happy to dish out to others for these many years.